Transcript of a recorded conversation between Minty Fitzpatrick and unknown bartender

THURSDAY, 12 FEBRUARY 2009, 2138

BARTENDER: What’ll it be?

MINTY FITZPATRICK [slurring]: You got any decent men back there?

BT [forces laugh]: Just myself, m’am.

MF [laughs, flirtatiously]: You’ve got a nice tight little arse too.

[BT laughs uncomfortably]

MF: Can I ‘ave a wine? The most ‘spensive you got.

BT: The most expensive? Red or white?

MF [bangs counter]: That’s what I said!

[Pause, assume bartender is preparing drink]

MF: Thanks.

BT: That’s eight pounds, M’am.

MF: Ha! Eight pounds. Good thing it’s on Mike. Here.

BT [pause]: M’am, this credit card is under the name “Michael Montclair”.

MF: Mm?

BT: M’am, you’re not Michael Montclair.

MF: Oh, but I am you see. I am Michael Montclair. Sometimes. Sometimes I’m Minty Fitzpatrick too. And sometimes I’s Danielle Anderson. It all depends, it all depends [hiccups] on who’s got money on their card! [laughs uproariously] Here, would you rather Danielle’s? She’s always good for the dough!

BT: M’am? Are you–? I’m not sure I under-

[A mobile phone rings – quite a distinctive ring tone.]

MF: S**t! [rustles bag, something falls to the floor, chair scrapes]

BT: M’am? M’am! Where are you going? M’am!